This morning I overreacted. Yes. It’s true. I have become so overly sensitive to OCD’s nuances that this morning I reacted poorly to Blake. It was a good lesson for me. Not so fun for Blake, but hopefully there is something we can both take away from it.
What happened is that we were preparing to leave for school when Blake spied a pizza cutter on the counter. Suddenly, he sucked in his breath. I could see the look on his face as he pondered something that had hit him. He was struggling with what to do. Should he tell me what he was thinking? How would Mom react?
“Mom,” he finally said, “what did you use the pizza cutter for?”
I tried to seem unaffected, but I was already bubbling up inside. I loathe this food stuff.
“I used it to cut the pizza last night.”
I saw his face fall. I had “ruined” the implement that cuts up his favorite food. To be perfectly honest, Blake’s reaction was a combination of OCD panic and valid response to the violating of an agreement my husband and I have with him. But I was too busy focusing on the OCD part of his reaction to temper my response with a recognition of the whole situation. Maybe that’s the problem when you live with OCD rules every day. You get worn down by them and you never know when they are going to pop up. As a mom, I try to be thoughtful about how I handle things, but I sometimes have a short fuse.
“Blake, just tell me now if you’re never eating pizza again because of this.”
“I am absolutely not eating pizza again if that is the cutter you are going to use.”
I lost it. I went on a rant. I lectured. I vowed never to cook for him again. He tried to talk a little sense into me, but I was too lost in my frustration. It was only a text from my husband, as Blake was on his way in to school, that calmed me down.
“Blake’s lucky to have you. You’re way nicer than me,” I texted him back.
“Only because I’m 40 miles away 🙂 ,” he replied.
After school I apologized to Blake.
“I apologize for reacting in anger this morning,” I told him.
“I know, Mom. I can be frustrating to deal with.”
“I have to learn not to respond while I’m angry. I always tell myself to wait until I calm down, but this morning I didn’t listen to my own advice. I’m a work in progress here.”
“Thanks, Mom. I appreciate it.”
We drove home talking about the latest game idea he has and our weekend plans. In my mind, I re-commit myself to keeping a cooler head. OCD or not, I owe my boy a better me.