“I’ll Try”

Image courtesy Gualberto107 at freedigitalphotos.net

Image courtesy Gualberto107 at freedigitalphotos.net

“Why haven’t you posted on your blog in a while?”

My hubby poses this question as we sit at dinner with Michael. I stop for a moment and ponder his query. The truth begins to make its way out; I’ve held it deeply inside for these past months.

“I haven’t been able to write since Collin died,” I say. The three of us sit in silence for a moment. Michael’s friend and classmate since kindergarten was killed in a tragic auto accident in February (see “The Phone Rings in the Dead of Night“). Although the young men mostly moved in different circles, and though our contact with the family had dwindled to meeting up at Open Houses and Back-to-School nights with agreements that we needed to get together, in the aftermath of the accident our community suddenly seemed much smaller and intricately interconnected. The air felt heavier. Little things mattered less…and my own personal struggles felt insignificant.

“I have my sons,” I say. “So Blake has OCD. So he struggles with depression. It just seems insignificant to write about that when Wendy and Jay would probably give anything to have Collin there, even if it was to have an argument. Maybe I was just wallowing in my own stuff. We have a good life.”

“Yes, we have a good life,” the hubby acknowledges. “We also have this very real thing going on in our life. It’s not insignificant. OCD and depression are not insignificant. If you don’t write about it, you don’t acknowledge the realities of the people who read your blog to connect and to have hope. You also don’t acknowledge our reality. Your writing isn’t wallowing.”

“You need to write, Mom,” Michael encourages me.

“I’ll try,” I promise.

So, it would seem, I am trying. Let’s see where it goes…

 

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9 thoughts on ““I’ll Try”

  1. “Be Kind, for Everyone is Fighting a Hard Battle.” That was the first thought I had as I read this post. It is one of my favorite quotes. It helps me keep my own struggle with OCD in perspective.

    Literally the most intelligent man I know on this planet (P.H.D. from MIT, and a top level scientist for a leading computer company (his work literally changes the world)) lost one of his three boys when a car hit him while he was walking. The boy was 15. My Dad had a friend who lost TWO of his three kids (car accident, brain aneurysm). I have watched both of these fathers struggle mightily to move on with their lives. The scientist now makes it his life’s work to get kids excited about science. He finds ways to do it while traveling the world doing his “regular” job. He has been blogging every day about his son for the past seven or eight years since the accident. He does it to honor his son, and he does it as part of his own therapy.

    I agree with your husband and your son Angie. Your writing is not wallowing. Your writing helps people like me try a little harder to overcome our own struggles. Your writing matters.

    I am not encouraging you to “force it”.
    I believe you will know deep down when to write, and when to be silent.

    I also want to thank you for all of the writing you have done so far. It is certainly helped me, and I’m quite sure it is helped many others as well.

    Blessings,
    – Paul

    • Paul. Thank you so much for sharing and for your words of encouragement. Bless your friend who writes his blog. Writing can definitely be therapy. It definitely is for. me. When I write, it helps me gain perspective and often allows me to move on. My best, Angie

  2. I know what it’s like when the world seems so big and it’s hard to write but they are right…people need you. You have helped educate others and thrown out a life line. Give yourself a break but get back to the blog😀

  3. I understand how you feel, Angie, and I’ve had similar feelings from time to time. Sometimes I think I shouldn’t be blogging about OCD anymore because I am blessed that my son continues to do well. So even though I remember those dark days as if they were yesterday, I’m not enmeshed in them right now. So who am I to blog about living with severe OCD? But then I realize (and I’ve been told) that his story gives hope to a lot of people. I think it all comes down to WHY we are blogging. For me, and I know it’s the same for you, it’s to give ourselves some clarity and to help others. How could that ever be a negative thing?
    That being said, I also don’t think you should force it. I’d say just be open to writing and maybe give yourself a little nudge if you think that’s what you need. I’ve been blogging for 5 1/2 years now and I’ve certainly had to give myself a push now and then, but in the end writing always seems worthwhile to me…you’ll figure it out :).

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