I Just Want to be Normal

I’m very excited about today’s post because it is written by my brother. My brother shared with me that he had Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder (OCD) several years after my son, Blake, was diagnosed and treated for it. He’s been incredibly private about it. Now, for the first time ever, he’s putting into writing what OCD is like for him. This is my brother being brave – and I’m ever so proud…

Me and OCD – Part I

If you asked someone what they know about OCD, my guess is they’d either ask you to explain what the acronym means or they’d tell you about the funny little man who stands in front of his house continually checking to see if his door is locked.  When I was a kid no one really knew what OCD was and now-a-days a lot of folks use it as a form of speech, “Oh it’s just my OCD kicking in.”  But what’s it really like living with OCD?  Frustrating!

I’ve never been formally diagnosed with OCD by a mental health professional, but it sure feels like I have it.  I didn’t seem to have it really bad as a kid.  I can remember some tendencies, but it really started to kick in when I was in my 30’s.  However; I can remember one incident when I was younger that has stuck with me.

I didn’t think much of it and just chuckled along with him cause I really didn’t understand what I was doing.

My earliest memories of OCD are in the form of hand washing.  My parents had a boat and everything is dirty and salty on a boat that sails in the ocean.  While sailing along one time I had the urge to keep going below deck and wash my hands.  Not with soap, but just rinsing.  I’d rinse, run back up the ladder, run back down, rinse, etc.  I remember my grandfather watching me and getting a chuckle out of the repetitive nature of what I was doing.  He was laughing because the repetitive nonsense of it. It is strange and confusing to folks, and one result of it all is a bit of uneasy comedy for the viewers.  He wasn’t laughing cause he was a jerk, he was laughing because it made no sense.  If you’ve ever done any ocean sailing you understand.  I was covered head to toe in salt, dirt, and grime, but kept thinking I’d make myself “clean” by using water on my hands.  I didn’t think much of it and just chuckled along with him cause I really didn’t understand what I was doing.

For some reason in my 30’s my brain chemistry must have changed because OCD started becoming a major pain in my butt.  It started with little things, like making sure my parking brake was down before I went driving and making sure it was up before I’d leave the car.  Then it became the door locks.  The locks on my car started to have trouble and I could no longer rely on them locking when I pressed the remote.  So I started a ritual. Ah yes, the ritual!  Check the driver’s door, behind driver, passenger, behind passenger.  One lift of the handle became two, two became four and so on.  Next thing you know I’m pulling on those darn door handles like there’s no tomorrow!  My wife had to keep telling me that I was going to break the handles!

Let’s talk about the ritual.  Everyone has rituals.  Most folks without OCD would have pulled on the door handle once, noted it’s locked and go about their day.  Checking that door was their ritual and they satiated the “is the door locked” anxiety by checking once.  But here’s the OCD rub.  Once just doesn’t cut it anymore.  I want to be sure so I check again, again, again, again and the problem is once I get into the repetitive ritual, I actually start getting MORE anxiety so I check again and again and again.  Sensing the OCD catch-22 here?

One lift of the handle became two, two became four and so on.

And OCD doesn’t just affect you, it affects everyone around you especially your loved ones.  I don’t think I’m a very selfish person, but OCD is an extremely selfish illness.  Because I’m stuck doing rituals, I’m not doing what I need to be doing, so everything around you starts to suffer.  Plus I started dragging my wife into the OCD nightmare.  Since I couldn’t satiate my anxiety by checking the locks myself, I started sending my her to check!  Thankfully she stopped that ritual real quick!   She told me she’d wait for me, but *I* needed to go check and she wouldn’t.  At first I was angry that she wouldn’t enable me, but I soon came to realize that it helped me immensely!

So many rituals, so little time….  So how do I cope?  Discussing OCD with my doctor and medication has helped me a bit, but also thinking about the fallacy of the OCD ritual.  Let’s take the hand washing one.  Yep, I still suffer from that one too, but I try and reason with myself now.  My hand feels dirty, but it’s been sitting on my arm.  I tell myself that if my hand was dirty, my arm would be dirty now too!  Normal folks would think that I’d now think everything was dirty and I’d have to take a shower.  Not for me!  The craziness of my OCD doesn’t register the arm as dirty, just the hand.  So I look down at my arm, no dirt and it doesn’t feel dirty.  So maybe my hand isn’t dirty either….

How about the locks?  Instead of getting sucked into the OCD ritual repeat, I try and make the look or the handle pull mean something.  I try to not just do the ritual to do the ritual, but to REALLY concentrate and tell myself, “Yes the door is locked.”.

It hasn’t been easy and every day is a struggle, but I don’t want to be that selfish funny little man that is stuck at his door all day long.  I just want to be normal.

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2 thoughts on “I Just Want to be Normal

  1. Thanks so much for sharing your story. So often we only read about those with severe cases of OCD who are quite debilitated. I think it’s important for all of us to try to understand how OCD, be it mild, moderate or severe, affects those who have it as well as those they love.

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