No, it’s not my birthday. It was, however, just my father’s birthday. He would have been 77. It was our family’s first birthday without him since his passing last March. It’s weird how someone who so frequently wasn’t there can leave such an empty space. Maybe that’s because, since he was frequently missing, it still seems like he’s back in the bedroom somewhere. And then something like a birthday comes along and you realize once more that you cannot actually go hunting through the back of the house for them.
Over the almost year since my dad has been gone, I’ve realized more and more how he probably had OCD and related disorders. And I missed them. How did I miss them?
The truth is, it’s not like I didn’t see the signs. I saw them perfectly well – literally right in front of me. An example: the other morning, as I was getting dressed, I grabbed a nail clipper to trim a broken toenail. An image came into my mind – my dad’s nails. His toenails and his fingernails. They were always picked and bitten. Not just a little. They were terribly, severely bitten and torn. Sometimes they were bloody. I think some were even gone.
Then another memory – his skin. My dad’s skin was scratched and picked raw, all over the place. A lot of times it was his legs. I remember my mom trying to remind him to stop. It was to no avail. He even saw doctors about it. I remember thinking my dad had a skin condition.
But…as I pondered my own toenail, I recognized that I was probably looking at Body Focused Repetitive Behaviors (BFRB’s) in my own dad. BFRB’s are what the mental health community classifies behaviors like hair pulling, skin picking, nail biting, and similar behaviors as. When a person does them a lot, they do damage. Bloody, scabby skin. Nails torn to painful levels. Hair missing. These behaviors, though not OCD, frequently go along with OCD.
How did I look at my dad’s skin and nails and never think “BFRB – get him some resources?” How was I blind to it? Was I so stuck in the role of child in my family that I never saw anything through my psychologist eyes? Would Dad have even acknowledged it was a problem that needed help? I don’t have answers, just my reflections.
If someone you care about is struggling with nail biting, skin picking, hair pulling, or similar behavior, The TLC Foundation for BFRB’s is a wonderful resource. In honor of my dad’s birthday, please help someone in need: https://www.bfrb.org/
OCD In The Family 