*This is not meant to be advice; it is simply something I’m learning as our family navigates having a family member with suicidal ideation. If you are thinking about suicide or have a loved one who is struggling with thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-8255 (In the United States. In other countries, please reach out to a similar service in your country).
The hubby and I began participating in therapy with a specialist from a suicide prevention center just a few weeks ago. Our son, Blake, had been sharing a good deal of suicidal thoughts with us and, since he was not interested in any ongoing treatment, we recognized we needed support ourselves. So far, we’ve done an intake meeting and two sessions. Although I’m a psychologist who specializes in treating anxiety and OCD, it’s a completely different story being a patient. I am learning, for sure, so I thought I’d share three nuggets I’ve gotten so far:
1. It’s not necessarily a bad thing that someone is talking about suicide.
Emphasis here is on “talking.” It was terrifying to me when Blake shared the thoughts that go through his mind, how much he suffers, how much he thinks of dying. I became alarmed at the very presence of these thoughts. However, our therapist (and others) have told me that it is actually a positive thing that Blake is talking about his thoughts. Talking and sharing are attempts to reach out and connect with others. This is a better thing than keeping these thoughts all to oneself – and not connecting with others.
2. It’s important to listen, not try to problem solve.
Many times when Blake has shared his pain with us, the hubby and I have worked to problem solve with him about ways to cope. We’ve also tried to shine a light on the bright side of things that he may be overlooking. What I’ve learned is that the most important thing I can do when my son shares his thoughts and feelings – even though they contain very dark and frightening content – is to listen and accept them as his. It is not my job to problem solve. That’s not where he’s at; he’s in sharing mode and he simply wants to be heard. As far as pointing out the bright side, our therapist noted that, for someone who is not ready for that, it’s kind of like shining a light in the eyes of someone who has been sitting in the dark. It’s going to be jarring and unappreciated. So, I’ve been working on listening and simply hearing.
3. An increasing number of conversations about suicidal ideation does not necessarily mean the person is about to act.
In our last session, I noted to our therapist that the freqency of conversations seemed to be going up. Our son was having more conversations with us about his pain and his thoughts of death. He wasn’t sharing intent to act, he was just sharing more often. It was emotionally exhausting, at times, and I was concerned what it meant. The therapist reminded me that we’ve shifted our conversations from problem-solving and pointing out the bright side to actually just listening and accepting. She noted that the increased frequency may simply mean it’s become more safe to share and that, when a person feels like they will be heard, they’ll take the opportunity to talk more often about what may be going on in their head. So, although it feels scary to me to be hearing my son’s thoughts more, it may just be that he feels more accepted in voicing them now than he did in the past.
We still have a way to go on this journey, and we have to listen to our son to ensure we are not missing signs of intent to harm himself. On the way, I am learning, and I hope our experience can help others.